Beautiful Materia SOLDIER who!
by Akira Majere
Summary: On the front lines in War on Wutai, life is difficult. Zack has made it his mission to spare as many lives as he can... Through the abuse of too much manga, anime, and the Transform Materia, he wages his noble cause. And drags poor Sephiroth along for t


**Beautiful Materia SOLDIER... who?!**  
_Episode 01: The Power of the Transform Materia (Aka, Henshin on the Go!)_

(( Er, if any of ya'll are interest in seeing the picture or hearing the song which inspired this madness, let me know...))

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It was another beautiful sunny morning at the Shinra Army Mobile HQ near the front lines in the war with Wutai. President Bu-, er, Shinra, was the overly friendly and helpful neighbor in his decision to declare a police action upon the far and distant country of Wutai. After a few months, he then decided it would be best just to have a war after the President ate some bad Wutai food from down town Midgar.

Of course, after living a very loose lifestyle left him to the point where not even the Atkins diet could help him, the President would not be the one fighting such a noble war. No, he would be sitting on his fat ass, safe in Midgar trying to hit on women a third of his age and sending everyone else to fight his war on bad Wutai food!

Hundreds, neigh!, THOUSANDS, wait, MILLIONS! signed up to take part in his mighty cause. Thus he only had to order out half of his seasoned army and draft only a few thousands for cannon fodder and send them quickly over seas. It was there, after a year on the battle field, where our glorious story takes place...

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"I don't know why I allow you to even read those girly comics, Zack, on the front lines," muttered General Sephiroth rather sourly as he glowered at his friend and his breakfast. Last night, the both of them went on an undercover operative into Wutai that resulted in a massive hang over on his part and a spending spree on Zack's. "We're suppose to be running a war... not... not..." 

Shoving the graphic novel into his commander's face, the black hair man declared, "I have EXTENSIVELY studied our enemies and now know the key in defeating them!" He shook the book with a disturbing crackle. "Behold! The power of the Bishonen, Bishoujo, and magical items!"

Upon the graphic novel's black and white pages were several men transforming into leather clad dominatrixes with headsets on.

"...We're going to pretend to be transvestites? And what? Smack them with whips and entice them with chains?" Perhaps breaking out another bottle of saki before noon didn't sound too bad of an idea. Sephiroth sighed and stabbed his eggs with his spork repeatedly. "You ate already, right? What the hell did they put in the eggs this morning?"

"No, you freak! I've been playing with some of the Transform materia and found when you combine it with special rod of rare alloy, you get a groovy effect such as those!.. Just not the gender switching. Just a power boost with a snazzy new look." Zack looked proud as he flipped through his 'research' book. "With the power of the Transform materia we can then use Wutai's beloved icons and ideals against them! Imagine the horror, sorrow, the SURPRISE, of having their worshiped heros attacking them in the glorious name of Shinra!"

"Uh...huh." Sephiroth rolled up a near by newspaper and smacked Zack upside his head. "Bad Zack! No nookie for you!"

"Ow! Come on, Seph! Don't knock it until you try it!" Whined his best friend, rubbing the side of his head with a frown. Book marking his page and closing his book, he went on. "I even coordinated a HIGHLY secretive operation just for the two us tonight with our AWESOME new brooches and informed H.Q. about it."

Sephiroth froze, his mint eyes flashing wildly. "You did what?!"

"Well, I left out the brooches part, but I did mention we'll be exercising some new battle tactics on the other side and report our findings to them.." Zack's brown eyes half closed as he reflected the sheer brilliance of his plan and experiments. Surely this was the way to win the war with the smallest amount of casualties and reap more personal success! "Meet me at the equipment tents at dark!" He giggled shrilly that brought back very bad memories for the General.

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He counted back slowly from a million as he waited for his simpleton of a friend. Why was he allowing Zack to get him mixed up all these crazy schemes? Was he still trying to get out of the army after watching all those episodes of MASH with the failed ploy of trying to convince everyone he was a raging homosexual and hitting on him nonstop for a month? Or was it another scheme to pick up chicks after the bright, and FAILED, idea of dressing up as s&M Masters and going to a local club which ended up being a very rowdy gay club that left them with sore behinds? Or was it another scheme to make money that left them strained on the side of the road fifty miles from the Capital of Wutai and taught Sephiroth a very important lesson on why NOT to hitchhike. Perhaps it was like that one time in boot camp when... 

Fuck, his head hurt and he felt like killing many many many things. Starting with Zack..

"Hey, boss, glad to see you made it!" Spoke the devil as Sephiroth thought of him.

Glaring daggers at Zack and forcing himself not to take out Masamune, he spat, "So let's see the brilliant idea of yours."

Zack looked so pleased with himself, like a dog who did something to make his master praise him, when he pulled out two 6 inch long rods that had Transform materia mounted on the top of them. Handing one over to Sephiroth's demanding hand and held his own rod more correctly in hand, Zack purred. "Can you just feel that, baby?"

"Feel what? The need to kill you and release myself from torment? YES." Sephiroth shook the henshin stick warily as he asked, "Now how do we use these?"

"Oh, that's easy! Just hold them up and yell 'Henshin a go-go! MAAAKKKEEEE UP!'"

"Wow.. That's so delightfully original."

"...You could at least make an attempt to hide some of the sarcasm, Sephi-pooh."

"Oh, sorry. The urge to cut something is consuming me and I just thought it was best only to do it your ego and feelings. I can maim you with the Masamune if it would make you feel better..." Zack made a sound between a choke and a sob and if Sephiroth had a heart, he would almost feel bad. Joyfully he lacked a heart so the noise only made him leer a bit. He liked when people got like that, it was like that one time in boot camp when...

"I know it's only because I don't put out that you say these things to me," Sobbed Zack then, who would have earned the attention of the guards station nearby if they were sober. "But it's okay, I forgive you, Sephiroth... I'm just not ready yet! OH MY GOD WILL YOU PUT THAT DOWN?!"

Sephiroth sighed and lowered the Masamune. "Sorry, it's the urge again..."

"...Oh-kay... Well, let's get nakkie to amuse the Otaku!" Zack sang happily. "Sephi-pants, you can go first!"

"Why me?"

"Because you're the leader."

Grumbling many obscenities below his breath, Sephiroth raised his mighty rod of wonder and snarled, "Henshin a go-go.... Make up."

Bright lights, hearts, and many feminine like objects eloped him as he found himself prancing around in some strange dance. It was bad enough that even the most flamboyantly gay would be nervous to be in the area of it, let alone part taking of it. Horrifying enough, it was not short and sweet like the normal use of Transform... it was longer, more dragged out and it took Sephiroth several minutes to stop his 'Henshin'.

"Ohhh, look at you, Sephi-doodle, in your darling fukuuuu!" Gushed Zack.

Sephiroth's fuku was a horrible clash of blue, red, white, and a small amount of gold. Not only did it resemble a sailor suit for a stripper, but it was one in bad taste and colors. After surveying himself in disgust, Sephiroth wailed as what he saw was done to his beloved Masamune. It was... it was hideous! It was like someone tried to design into some crescent moon wand! Trembling in horror, he whipped around and grabbed Zack by his shirt and picked him off his feet as he snarled, "How do I stop this?! How do I get out of this stupid and ridiculous outfit of yours?!"

"Just take off the broach..."

"N-n-ever doing this again..." He did so and reverted back to normal. Well, almost normal. At least Masamune was okay.

Zack looked down on Sephiroth. The brown eyes had a dreamy look to them. "Wow, Sephiroth... I never knew..."

Sephiroth looked down as well and turned red. Fuming, he turned around and was thankful his hair was thick, long, and went well past his hips.

"Aw, Sephi-moo, at least try mine before you give up." Zack gave his friend a pleading look at his back when he realized Sephiroth was so close to burning down a town and slaughtering everyone inside and try to destroy the world in an attempt to become a god. "At least you won't have to be seen..."

"Don't say it!" Gingerly he took Zack's rod into his hand and stroked it slowly with his hand, experimenting the different texture and color. Eyes half closed, he felt a warm sensation and holding this rod never felt so right in his life. Boldly he raised and parted his lips and announced, "Henshin a go-go.... Make up!"

This henshin was just magical, it was a release after a build up of so much. He closed his eyes was he was suddenly naked once more and being eloped in a strange silver light as he spun a bit, hugging himself. Then it was over. As over as it could be. When he opened his eyes, part of his hair was pulled into a bun, while his fuku was a lovely shade of black and dark maroon. Glancing to his left, he did a double take at his trusty sword... key thing. It was more like a key with a big ass blade on the top of it. It looked sweet and so he was fine with it. He could still stab people with it. Delightful.

"I never knew a man could look so good in a miniskirt."

Sephiroth kicked Zack in the nuts.

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"Tee hee, in the next 'Beautiful Materia SOLDIER', Senshi Sephiroth and Senshi Zack take on hoards of ninjas from Seppuku Defense force of Wutai! Will their long, drawn out attacks be able to destroy them or will they be taken prisoner and forced to part take in making hentai movies for the rest of their lives?!" Aerith looked at her cue cards and just stopped. "Okay, I'm not reading **that**. I have too much respect for a man's diginity... even the one who put a sword through my back. Now if it was Cloud..." 

Elena walked over and took the cards from her, "Come on, it can't be th...at..."

Both women erupted into giggles the moment Elena looked up reading from the cards.

Reno grumble and yanked the cards over, "Wazz so damn funny, ya hos?! Hn... 'Join us in the next espiode of "Beautiful Materia SOLDIER Sephiroth"- the Power of a Beautiful Man in a Miniskirt!'"

Dropping the cards, Reno roared, "Who the hell wrote that shit?! God, shit, pissing, fucking eh... Just the bloody image in my head I don't need! Roll the fucking credits!"

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Author's Note:  
Wrote this on a whim on too much sugar. >>""" Dedicated to Rae-chan and her offical fanart of this story. XD Yesh, I will be writing more of this. Right now trying to see what I can get away with for the next chapter of Spectroscope in terms of a naughty scene... >>"  
Er, if any of ya'll are interest in seeing the picture or hearing the song which inspired this madness, let me know.


End file.
